"Usually a guy will get with a girl," says 16-year-old Dan Johnson, "and just try to get it like within a month, you know? Just go straight to it, you know? Like achieve a goal." According to new research from Indiana University Medical Center, 40 percent of teen girls admit they have agreed to sex even though they really didn't want to.This isn't surprising to me at all since this goal-orientation for the boys means that the girl becomes an opponent who gets conned, coerced and/or cornered. This sort of sex isn't about sexual needs at all, it is about ego and competing with other boys. Hurting girls in the process becomes collateral damage not worth a second thought.
This mindset isn't just bad for girls, it is bad for boys. They lose so much more than they win. The most obvious loss is the possibility of rape charges. The least obvious loss is that by pushing beyond what the girl wants these boys will never have true intimacy. They reach their goal yet lose the true prize.
Sex educators believe many times girls plan to say no, but get caught off guard when the advances are physical and not verbal. "You're hugging, you're kissing and that's all fine," says sex educator Kim Frndak, "and then it's gone to another level completely without your wanting it to, without you ever having discussed it, without the young man ever saying, 'This is what I'm intending to do.'"Translation: Before the girl knows it, the boy sees a vulnerability and goes for the win. By hook or by crook. By consent or by rape. Because of this, any prevention strategy that only focuses on educating girls is like only teaching driving safety to those most likely to be struck by reckless drivers and ignoring young drivers who have been told by their buddies that it is fun to rule the road by intimidation.
She says parents should teach girls what to say if a boy starts to go too far. "If you can practice with your daughter," says Frndak, "having her think about what she would do if it went from cuddling to we're having intercourse – how she could say, 'I really like you, in fact I think I love you', whatever the case, 'but I'm not ready for intercourse' in a strong clear voice. If she can practice that, it just might save her from being one of those statistics."As a survivor of rape by a boyfriend who used love as a weapon, I absolutely disagree with the advice to tell a boy who is making an unexpected and unwanted move to get sex that he is loved. Also forget "I'm not ready" or "I'm waiting for my wedding night" responses since both of those give the boy something to debate and opens the girl up to being the one who has to convince the boy to wait.
This situation is about the boy's decision to go for the score.
If anyone has to justify or explain, make that person be the one asking for more than is being offered. If the boy says it's sex or the end of the relationship, there is no true relationship only the pursuit of sex. If the boy starts calling the girl names which imply she led him on, it should be a deal breaker since boys who care for their girlfriends don't resort to blackmail.
The girl's top priority needs to be protecting herself from exploitation. And that protection should begin at the first signs of coercion and disrespect, not the last signs before attempted rape. Forget how big of a catch a certain boy is or how many girls say they wish he were their boyfriend. Those are all about image not substance.
If the girl is afraid of alienating her boyfriend she could ask, "Hold on. Kissing you felt great, but now you're ignoring me and what I want. Whatever we do needs to be mutual."
If the boy truly cares about his girlfriend then he will benefit from the feedback.
Losing a boyfriend as soon as he becomes intent on violating your personal boundaries can be painful, but not as painful as rape or coerced sex. Keeping a boy who ignores your needs and your boundaries means months maybe years of being without someone who really cares for you.
That's far lonelier than being without a boyfriend. And as long as you're attached to some inconsiderate boy, you don't have a chance of finding a more satisfying relationship.
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