Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Is Agreeing To Go All The Way A Binding Contract?

I deleted a comment made on Is Being An Ass A Valid Rape Defense? because it contained what appeared to be an X-rated link, but part of the comment was worth letting through and worth discussing.

Oh, every girl knows or should know that her boyfriend will push her to sex if she agrees to stay with him all night. Of course every guy will do this because all they do is think about sex when he suggest her to stay for the night.
So let's adjust BB's scenario so that there was a clear plan to have sex that night and that the 15-year-old girl knew this and agreed to it. Then in the midst of the pre-sex action, she pushes back or pulls away. They are still at his house and she still has no easy way to leave and no obvious place to go where she won't face questions she's not sure how to answer.

Many men (and some women) assume that this action is illogical and is a violation of her agreement and that if he ignores her decision to stop, he's in the right and she's in the wrong therefore it's impossible for him to commit rape that night.

But what if the assumption made by those who insist that her behavior is illogical are wrong. What if the interaction has gone sour for her.

To help those who don't have a clue what I'm trying to say, I'll use a movie theatre analogy. The trailer wows you and so you plunk your money down and walk into that theatre with an expectation that you will have a great experience.

The first few minutes of the movie live up to those expectations and you are sitting at the edge of your seat wanting more. Then a jarring scene appears throwing you out of this great experience. But you stay. The next scene is again great.

Then comes a scene that goes so far off track you can't believe it belongs in this movie. Your skin begins to crawl, and not in a good way. Still you paid good money for this movie so even though you are getting antsy, you stay a little longer.

Then it goes from bad to worse and as you try to steady your queasy stomach, you sneak a look at your watch and realize the movie isn't even a third over. You realize that despite what you planned to do you can't possibly take any more of this movie.

Even though everyone else in the theatre seems enthralled, you stand up. Some jerk behind you grumbles and tells you to sit down. You ignore him and get out of there, letting out a sigh of relief when you reach the carpeted hallway. If you ask for a refund, you may or may not get it, but nobody is going to demand that you go back in that theatre and finish what you started or physically block you from leaving or give you the choice of going back to the movie or never being allowed at the cinemaplex again.

That movie gone wrong scenario is pale imitation of what many girls and women experience as they try to put a stop to planned sex. But too often the need to stop a bad experience isn't respected or even acknowledged.

The problem must only be with her.

It's very likely that the previous interactions (like the trailer) were great. But at some point the boy or man's behavior shifts. Maybe he sees his goal is in sight and no longer feels an obligation to continue the interaction in a way that is pleasurable for her because she's given him what he wanted. Consent.

What she liked was only meant to hook her (like the trailer) and he feels free to pull a bait and switch.

If we don't have to finish a movie that isn't doing it for us, why should anybody have to finish a sexual interaction that isn't doing it for us?

What I've found out through painful experience is it's the exploiters who get the angriest when events don't go as they planned. Their inner monster can come out to play and it can be terrifying.

These guys make me believe in Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

One minute he's as polite as a theatre usher and the next he's as surly as a bouncer who's just had his nose broken.

Fortunately, I also learned that some men understand full, eager consent and realize it isn't their enemy.

For more, go to my next post on this topic, Twelve Step Program For Predatory Boyfriends

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posted by Marcella Chester @ 12:10 AM   1 comments links to this post


At October 17, 2006 7:58 PM, Blogger casey said...

There has been many times where i've had to stop sex right in the middle or before or whenever due to various reasons. perhaps i'm sore or hurting, or if i have a panic attack. i can't even imagine being with a guy who would just hold me down and be like, nope, you agreed to it earlier, so i'm gonna keep going!! ugh disgusting.


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