Saturday, October 07, 2006

Twelve Step Program For Girls Against Predatory Boys

Since it would be unfair to lay out the methodology of predatory boys and not talk about how girls can counter that sort of practice, here's my,

Twelve step program for girls against predatory boys
  1. Read the Twelve Step Program For Predatory Boyfriends so you can recognize this subgroup and know when their goal is to get sex from you whether you like it or not.

  2. Listen to what a boy says about his ex-girlfriends and/or girls who have rejected him. If he feels victimized or falsely accused, never take his word for it no matter how much he seems to believe his version of events. Look for signs of sudden behavioral changes in the girls he used to date. If he was a predator to someone before you, chances are he'll eventually be a predator toward you.

  3. Watch for any sign of cruelty and dismissal of other people's pain or any sign that he needs to prove his masculinity. That cruelty and dismissal could easily become directed toward you and you can become the vessel by which he tries to show himself that he's a real man.

  4. Beware of boyfriends who exploit friendships or who feel they have the right to make important decisions for others. If he ever tells you to drink alcohol or use drugs, watch out.

  5. Always have an exit strategy and a plan for what to do if you find yourself with a predator determined to turn you into his prey. Talk to your mother and other women in your family to see how they've gotten out of dangerous situations. You may learn some skills and you may learn something about a topic they were hesitant to discuss.

  6. If you enter a situation and find there is no easy exit strategy focus on changing the situation. If you get resistance to your need for a safe way out, consider it a danger signal.

  7. Set your boundaries in clear language. If you are pushed too far and your wishes aren't instantly respected, don't just say no, implement your exit strategy. Don't explain until you feel emotionally and physically safe. Accept no excuses for ignoring your boundaries.

  8. If you can't implement your exit strategy when you don't feel completely safe, give a firm order for what you need to be safe and repeat it until you get what you need. It might be as simple as, "Let go of me." Match him predator for predator if you can.

  9. If you believe your predatory boyfriend has picked up predatory habits only because his buddies told him that's how to be successful, try talking to him when you are in a physically and emotionally safe place. If he dismisses what you say, get out.

  10. Never do anything that makes you more vulnerable because your boyfriend asks you to prove that you love or trust him. Someone who loves or cares for you would never ask you to put yourself at risk.

  11. Listen for and respect any uncomfortable vibes you get. It's safer to deal with disrespect the first time you get it since disrespect is habit forming. Ask him to justify his disrespectful actions rather than trying to justify your response. If you aren't sure what to do in response to disrespect, say, "Excuse me?"

  12. If you get caught by a predator, don't blame yourself no matter what other people say you could have done to avoid danger or how much they want to deny the reality of what happened to you. Those who excuse predators or who blame their victims are wrong. If you don't have trustworthy resources in any of the people around you, go to
Predatory boys and boyfriends have been around for generations but together we can help make them lonely predators or motivate them to find a healthier way to interact with girls and women by refusing to give them positive results from negative behavior.

Technorati tags:
Bookmark and Share
posted by Marcella Chester @ 12:02 AM   5 comments links to this post


At October 07, 2006 2:00 PM, Anonymous Faith said...

Hi -

Just wanted to let you know that the link in #1 is not least not on my PC.


At October 07, 2006 2:54 PM, Blogger Vile Blasphemer said...

Very, very well written.

At October 07, 2006 2:55 PM, Blogger Marcella Chester said...

Faith, thanks for letting me know about the broken link. It's fixed now.

At October 10, 2006 2:37 PM, Blogger Holly Desimone said...

Thank you for a very informative article Marcella, interesting post!

At October 26, 2006 12:38 PM, Anonymous Celine said...

A few things:

1) ANY kind of "prove you love/trust me" request should be read as a HUGE danger signal. So should its alternate form, "if you REALLY loved me, you'd [x]". Dear Abby advises that these be answered with, "If YOU really loved ME, you wouldn't ask me to do something that makes me uncomfortable." If applicable, follow up with, "And I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't love me."

2) You know how, if you try on a pair of shoes and they just don't fit right even though they're the right size, the salesman will often say, "Oh, all they need is a little breaking in." After you've tossed a few pairs of never-worn shoes into the Goodwill bag, you realize that it doesn't work that way -- that if they don't fit right when you first try them on, they never will, and buying them is a waste of money.

Men are like that. If they show disrespect for you early on in the relationship, odds are that they will never change, and keeping them around is a waste of time; you'll either be fighting with them constantly over respect issues, or you'll end up an abused woman. Put that one back on the shelf and look for another.

3) I cannot recommend highly enough that women read The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Dr. Suzette Hayden Elgin. She is a professional linguist who has devoted her career to analyzing the verbal strategies that bullies use to keep their victims off-balance, and providing counters for them. I'm mentioning this here because in your 12-Step Plan for Predatory Boyfriends you are clearly trying to articulate some of these strategies; reading the book may help you in future efforts.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home