Friday, October 06, 2006

Twelve Step Program For Predatory Boyfriends

In my post Is Being An Ass A Valid Rape Defense?, I said that being a sexual asshole is a learned behavior. To save all you sexual assholes in training the effort of finding yourself an asshole with a track record (but without a criminal one) so you can learn how to exploit your girlfriend sexually, this 12-step program gives you everything you need to know. So with no further ado, here's your ...

12-step program for predatory boyfriends

  1. Get her alone and isolated to reduce her options of escape and to make it a "he said, she said" case.

  2. Get her to break as many rules for you as you can. If breaking any of those rules incapacitates her in any way, assume she won't remember what you do well enough to get you into trouble. Skip ahead in the steps as far as you can.

  3. Once she's reached the limit for what she wants to do with you, ask for sex in a way that is clearly a question, not a demand. But if possible have her pinned down with your body when you ask.

  4. When she says no or a more polite equivalent of no, back off slightly and make her believe your pushing her farther than she wanted to go was an innocent mistake.

  5. Promise to respect her boundaries (lie, sucker, lie) if she will stay a little longer.

  6. Use her affection or love for you as a weapon against her desire to not have sex with you before she wants to.

  7. Use your body to intimidate her but be careful to stop short of physical actions which could clearly be labeled as physically violent by a jury.

  8. If she calls you on your bullying, apologize by telling her it's just a reflection of how she makes you feel. Choose words like irresistible over horny so she won't know that you are trying to sexually exploit her and don't care how your actions hurt her. Make it sound like she's controlling you when you are doing everything in your power to control her.

  9. Get her to promise that she trusts you and make her tolerate something that has her defenses screaming in order to prove that trust.

  10. If her defenses drop even temporarily keep after her until she can't do or say anything that people would consider non-consent.

  11. Take what you wanted and don't worry about how your actions impact her. If she feels raped that's her problem not yours.

  12. And finally, once you've got what you were after and she manages to croak out, "Why?" tell her you only wanted to show her how much you love her. Getting her to associate being raped with being loved will add that dash of salt into the wound you've created.
Yep, there you have it. If using any of these steps leads to sex, congratulations, you've graduated from predatory boyfriend to rapist.

For the rest of you, know that those who use this 12-step program are either rapists or on the path to becoming rapists. If you care for these people do what you can to convince them that they will never in fact be "successful" or "good at sex" using this program.

Tell them that when they get resistance or a no, they must come to a full stop and not re-ask for what was rejected or rebuffed. Let them know there are no excuses for doing what was resisted or rejected. If the other person seems to have a change of heart and agrees to do it, then they should take a rain check. Waiting a day or a week to see if the consent was freely given is better than waiting while a jury debates the sexual assault charges for a day or a week.

If in doubt, put the responsibility on the person acting in a predatory manner. The pattern is obvious when you know what the goal is, but for this 12-step program to work the intended victim can't know what the ultimate plan is. So the victim's failure to detect and divert the plan can never be a defense against allegations of rape.

So what makes me an authority on this twelve-step program? My first boyfriend (and a good friend of my brothers) was a twelve-stepper who graduated from the program at my expense. I was in such shock over what he did that he raped me again before the shock wore off and I realized what happened wasn't an innocent mistake. He did what he set out to do and what it did to me was nothing more than collateral damage in his mind.

I got raped, but of course what he did wasn't rape.

For more go to my next post on this topic, Twelve Step Program For Girls Against Predatory Boys

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posted by Marcella Chester @ 9:23 AM   6 comments links to this post


At October 06, 2006 12:52 PM, Anonymous Pony said...

For a moment there I could have sworn these had been written by a sailor.

At October 06, 2006 7:05 PM, Anonymous cooper said...

i was thinking of it along the lines of something written by some fraternity or high school football team.

At October 06, 2006 9:57 PM, Blogger sophie said...

*shakes head*

Do we need more of these guys?

At March 15, 2009 9:45 PM, Anonymous dvabeyondsilence said...

Years later I am just now reading this post Marcella. I am saddened and shocked at the exactness with which it describes my ex-boyfriend. I wish I had read and had this education seven years ago. What it would have saved me, and my daughter..Thank you for this blog site.

At April 15, 2009 10:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the part you wrote- before the effect could wear off.. he raped again.

the steps u outlined were my relationship w/a guy i had for a year.

i dismissed his actions. i said he was a good person, but a bad boyfriend. but the effects stay w/ me to this day. when i heard he was visiting the campus.. on my way home from class, i was shaking, and crying.. and locked myself in my room.. and cried some more.

it's funny to me though, that i can't tell anyone i was raped. b/c it all seems like i was with him during that time.

At April 16, 2009 12:08 AM, Blogger Marcella Chester said...

Anonymous, you were taught to dismiss your rapist's actions prior to rape just as I was taught to dismiss these types of actions.

This doesn't make our rapes our fault. Not knowing you are the target of someone willing to rape you is not a felony or even a crime.

Rape is a crime. And the rapist is the one who should be held responsible. Since this 12 step program sounds familiar, your ex worked systematically. That's called premeditation.

I don't know who will cling to the lie that being with someone magically protects you from rape. But I do know many people understand that being with someone doesn't nullify rape or mean that you were okay with it.

It sounds like the entire relationship was abusive in one way or another. The emotional abuse is often done with the goal of getting you to a state of paralysis.

I'm glad you were able to tell me that you were raped. It took me much much longer to tell anyone so I applaud your courage.


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