Friday, September 14, 2007

Rape Prevention Tip Of The Day

I've seen too many people make judgments that ignore a rape victim's obvious unwillingness to have sex with their rapist simply because the victim was drunk or passed out at the time of the rape.

This tip should be obvious, but unfortunately for many people, it is something they need to have laid out for them.

For those who want sex from someone who you know isn't eager to give it to you:

If you know someone isn't interested in having sex with you when that person is sober you need to respect that opinion. If you use the other person's alcohol consumption as a lever to get what you want (whether you give that person alcohol or they consume it independently), that isn't called trying to change someone's mind that's called coercion -- and coercion if successful is called rape.

If the other person isn't coherent enough to need to be convinced or coerced and you have sex with that person that's called rape. This is true whether the person is seemingly alert and high as a kite or whether that person is nearly as limp as a jellyfish. If there is ever a moment where there seems to be a fine line between rape and consent, it is rape if you continue since the fine line comes from rationalization not truth.

The criminal justice system may never label you a rapist, but earning that label comes from committing rape not being convicted of rape. You are hurting someone else, but you are also stripping a layer of humanity away from yourself.

Some people will say that you are a fool for passing up an opportunity, but those people are the real fools and if you get charged with rape they may sympathize with you but they won't face the consequences of the choices you made using their advice.

Getting someone to change their mind is something you do by showing that person that you are someone worthy of an unencumbered change of mind. If the change of mind is not freely made with absolutely no verbal or physical or chemical pressure, it isn't a true change of mind.

If what I'm saying doesn't make sense to you think about clearly telling someone you know that you don't want to lend that person your car for a trip they want to take. The other person accepts your decision. Or so it seems until you are drunk and then that person uses every trick -- short of hitting you with a baseball bat -- to get your car keys. Once the keys are in their hands, they proceed to crash your car.

When you tell people that you did not lend this person your car, imagine being treated the way girls and women who report rape to the police or to friends are routinely treated. You certainly don't look like a carjacking victim and you most likely didn't immediately report your car stolen.

If the person who crashed your car is popular, you are vengefully trashing a nice person and if the person who crashed your car is unpopular, you should have known better than to ever be with a person like that. Either way it's all your fault.

For many people ignoring someone else's clear decision is considered acceptable as long as what the person is trying to get from you is sexual contact. For too many of those people this is true even if you are not legally able to give the other person what they want.

If it is only about you or only about them, that is a clear warning that a line is being crossed.

For those who have turned down someone you know:

If the other person seemed to accept your no when you were sober and then suddenly starts asking again when you are impaired or that person tries to get you impaired, imagine a referee throwing a penalty flag or blowing the whistle on a personal foul. Same thing if that person waits to ask, and even seems uninterested, until you are impaired.

In personal relationships -- dating or acquaintance -- this is a boundary violation.

Like in a sports game, the person who made the personal foul may try to convince you that your vision is faulty. The harder someone tries to nullify the boundary violation the more violations they are racking up.

If someone promises to respect your boundaries while pushing you in any way, that person has just proved that they are a liar.

Rapists are willing to ignore your perspective so any ignoring of what you want or what you are comfortable with must be viewed as a critical matter and a clear danger signal. Unfortunately, many people around you will refuse to see the boundary violation for what it is which is their problem not yours. Just because nobody else is alarmed doesn't mean you are crazy to be alarmed.

Pushing you for more than you want to give is not a form of flattery, it is clear disrespect for you as a human being even if it is wrapped up in praise for your irresistible charms.

Even if you are sure the other person isn't a rapist, please don't reward those who only care about what they want and what they believe or those who are willing to take ethical shortcuts. This is true even if everyone else thinks this person is perfect.

If you are blindsided or believed in a dishonest person's honesty and subsequently raped, the fault for their illegal behavior is theirs not yours.

Many rapists have honed their skills to expert level which in itself proves that the ignoring of lack of consent didn't just happen. If you see a rapist manipulating you and/or others after the rape this is again proof that the criminal activity was premeditated complete with an escape plan.

Like the person who plotted to steal a car in a way they aren't likely to be called a car thief, the responsibility for their criminal behavior belongs to them. The shame and blame are theirs even though they likely planted seeds of shame and blame in you before the rape.

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posted by Marcella Chester @ 9:49 AM   4 comments links to this post


At September 14, 2007 8:39 PM, Blogger Trenting said...

Great post.. very imformative information

Thank you

At September 30, 2007 3:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you. I was raped under the influence of my sleeping pills. I reported it and all hell broke loose. Not to mention I am in the Army and was in Iraq at the time. I have to go back there in a few days. I got a 2 week leave like that's supposed to cure me. I am not looking forward to this. Anyway your story humored me. I have been searching all night for topics on the matter.

At February 11, 2010 4:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi. im a guy but i was raped. it screwed me up so bad. i was just a kid and didnt know anything. it gets worse but this isn't the time or place. it set me up for being a long term victim and i want out of this hell. i have a lot to read in your site but you have SO much to share and it's really good advice. My mom is a retired DVC but i've never been able to talk about this with her, too close to home. Thanks and i hope we can e-mail someday. baby j

At February 11, 2010 8:53 AM, Blogger Marcella Chester said...

baby j,

Thanks for commenting. I'm so sorry that someone raped you. I can understand how that set you up.

My thoughts will be with you.


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